this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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