I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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