you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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