i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
