you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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