So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
