And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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