Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
