her vagina looked like bernie madoff
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
