i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
