guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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