just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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