Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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