Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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