so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
