I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
