Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
