so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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