Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I want her autograph on my taint
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
