Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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