First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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