Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
