Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
