yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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