shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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