After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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