why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
