I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
