I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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