I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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