i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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