Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
