My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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