so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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