I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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