Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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