guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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