I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
