I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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