One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Let's get the cat blown out
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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