Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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