so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
