I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
