I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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