you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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