That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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