i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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