WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
