there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Randomize
