He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
