so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Bring me that man meat
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
