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• (248): View more from Michigan

  3:26am: come over

  (847): View more from Illinois

  you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over

  (248): View more from Michigan

  4:11am: mnlodp

  (847): View more from Illinois

  dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over

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• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.

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• (502): View more from Kentucky

  She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.

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• (360): View more from Washington

  I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.

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• (860): View more from Connecticut

  i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  what type of emt are you

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• (949): View more from California

  You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard

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• (+64): View more from New Zealand

  He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.

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• (917): View more from New York City

  Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family

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• (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?

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• (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.

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• (405): View more from Oklahoma

  And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.

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• (716): View more from New York

  It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.

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• (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar

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• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.

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