that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
