Pants 0. Shit 1.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
