do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
