Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My sheets look like a crime scene.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
